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 Post subject: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 9:53 pm 
Mould Mason
Mould Mason
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Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:00 pm
Posts: 673
Location: Colorado, USA
“Welcome to the U.S.A. Orbital Horizons station!” the greeter bot said in it's monotone voice. “ Your room is 17E, just down this hallway,” the greeter said as he gestured to the right. I picked up my bags and made my way down to my room. I placed my thumb on the scanner, and it promptly replied “ Welcome Mr. McFriegle,” and the door opened. I stepped inside, and I liked what I saw.

The view of the heavens was spectacular, better then anything he had seen before. All of the appliances were state of the art, and there was even a personal lab for experimentation. As I opened the bedroom door to put his clothes away, I caught a whiff of something very stank. I turned around to see a lump of something emulating algae. Unexpectedly, my neck jerked backwards and I took a gasp of air. I stood up quite confused about his reaction to the substance. Soon, I began to shake, and shake violently. I collapsed on the ground and watched my blood turn green in the veins just under my skin. I screamed as horrid itching consumed me and I began to lose control over my body. Others' thoughts even began to enter my brain and my body began to warp into something unrecognizable. As I heard thousands of voices all clamoring for attention in my head, I finally sank into clarity, and stood up a changed being. I have found the purpose of my life, and I will serve it with undying loyalty.

The Conversion has begun. It will not stop till it knows all, and all know it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 9:55 pm 
Hammer Ace
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Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 7:08 pm
Posts: 2629
Location: The bridge of the Tristram
It's the Flood!

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"...and not be a lame, boring adult with no toys or hobbies."-Napoleon Flickr


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 Post subject: Re: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Wed May 04, 2011 10:03 pm 
Crucible King
Crucible King
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Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 3620
Location: In your basement, under the floor boards... O.O
Ooh, this could be interesting!

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LEGO Builder, Writer, Video-Gamer, Greaser, History Professor, Swordsman, and Military Collector. I am the Most Interesting Man in the World. :p


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 Post subject: Re: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 9:59 am 
Hammer Ace
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Joined: Tue Nov 16, 2010 6:20 pm
Posts: 2063
Location: Slaying Wyverns somewhere...
Whoa. That was creepy!

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Great minds think alike, average minds experience coincidences.


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 Post subject: Re: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 12:38 pm 
Smelt Sire
Smelt Sire
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Joined: Wed May 13, 2009 9:35 am
Posts: 1694
Location: Writer's Block
Just some CC: You switched from 1st person to 3rd person once or twice, and that turned me off a bit. Some of the past tense/present tense words were mixed in together and I didn't find that too appealing. Just something I thought I'd draw your attention to so you can work on it in the future.

The descriptiveness, on the other hand, is fantastic, and despite the aforementioned issues, I got the idea, and I like it a lot. I'll definitely be checking back here.

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 Post subject: Re: The Hive Mind
PostPosted: Thu May 05, 2011 5:21 pm 
Mould Mason
Mould Mason
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Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 1:00 pm
Posts: 673
Location: Colorado, USA
Thanks guys! I began to write the story in first person, but my mind switched to third person and I began to write like that. When I reread it, I noticed that and I tried to fix it, but I see that I missed a few words. I am just too used to writing in third person.

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